I don't think I've stopped running in two and a half years.
While I wish I meant that literally in reference to a healthy life of regular exercise, instead I mean running in terms of life. What have I run toward, you ask? Enough. More. Better. Success. I think I told myself that I was always running toward a place where I could finally stop, but instead I was just teaching myself how to run, all the while convincing my heavy-breathing-heart that this was how we were made to feel.
Exhausted is normal. Never reaching your goal is just part of having good goals, right?
This left me buried in things to do, things to change, things that left me aspiring and aiming for the best. They were all good things.
So that's good, right?
It's basic math. If you add two positives, you can't get a negative, right? You see, this is actually why I'm so morally opposed to math. Life math is different than math math. (Yes, I just said "math math.") In life, the numbers don't always add up.
The more I add things to my life--things that sit in the "good" aisle at the grocery store of activities and the road to the future--the less I find that I'm living the life I've always dreamed.
I used to think of my dream life in terms of what it looked like, but now I think more in terms of, How does this feel?
A few tests for adding more good things:
- How will I feel when I take this on? If the answer is a bad feeling, say "no." If the answer is a good feeling that's fleeting rather than fulfilling, I am hoping to say "no" more frequently than I have in the past.
- After I take this on, is there still room? White space? Time to take a breath? I'm learning that any good thing that causes me to squish against the sides of the space of my life is too much. There should always be a little bit of room, and it's our job to cultivate that in our lives.
Now, I understand that there are seasons for everything. The nature of life is that we are sometimes busier than our hearts desire, but my goal is to try and really think if I'm saying "yes" to add to who I "should" be, or if I'm saying "yes" in order to continue moving toward the life of my dreams.