Hey, I kept a promise! I said I would continue my thought process and I am.
(Ya gotta chip away at it, right?)
I'm not skinny enough. My house isn't clean enough. I don't wear red lipstick enough. My baking isn't Joanna-Gaines enough. My EVERYTHING isn't Joanna-Gaines enough. I don't post enough, laugh enough, cry enough, say enough, write enough, read enough, adventure enough, trust enough, have faith enough. I can't even control my mind from thinking about 'enough' enough.
My life wasn't always this ordinary. I mean, maybe it was, but maybe I saw it through shimmery-gold lenses that were lost in the big move. When asked my plans for the weekend, I would laugh with delight as I envisioned dancing in the kitchen and sliding in my socks to the tune of Disney Pandora or Toploader circa 2001.
I would have plans to try a new recipe or write my heart out before the sun and the people rose to meet the day.
When asked, "How are you?" I was never afraid to share my struggles or to be brutally and endearingly honest. I would follow my answer by more probing questions directed toward the questioner, always able to study the meaning that lied just behind the eyes. That place that always tells you how someone is really doing.
While I've never truly felt ENOUGH, I was UNORDINARY ENOUGH.
I was always working toward a dream or attempting to improve. What changed? I got a job that felt impossible to master. I moved miles and hours away from all but one person who reminded me of those dreams daily. I became overwhelmed with the task of creating an entirely new life.
All the while, I forgot that The One who goes before me created this moment and the people who fill it far before my feet ever hit the floor.
Maybe ordinary life is the default. Seeing the adventure in a trip to the grocery store, having a personal iPhone shoot while wrapping presents, cooking through a book with my best friend, and leaving love notes in funny places for my Hunk Hubby all may seem to wear the label of "extra work" for the ordinaries. I want to live UNORDINARY.
I don't want the seemingly small but largely joyful things to expire with my journey into adulthood.
I don't think God calls us to be plan-less, tired acknowledgers of our not-ever-enoughness. I think He wants us to notice that the extras are what fill us up when we're empty from the necessaries and the have-to's.
(Note: I wrote this in my journal about two months ago. I've been meaning to post it earlier, but the fact that I haven't means I've already seen the changes in my life from this small noticing.)
(Funnier Note: This "noticing" happened at a stoplight. I put the car in park, reached back to find my notebook, was furiously honk-shamed, put the car in drive, and waited till the next light until I could jot a few words down. I didn't have much time to think about the honk-shaming because I was trying to repeat the words in my head, so as not to forget them. #writerlife #awfuldriversunite #creativityoversafety... okay, maybe not so much that last one.)