Lately, I've felt like a little girl trying on her dad's boots and going to play outside.
I put them on and admire how they look, thinking, "Hey, I like these!" But as I begin to shuffle my feet, my heels lift as the shoes stay on the ground, and merely shuffle instead of picking themselves up as my feet try to tell them. They're just too big.
I shuffle all the way to the front door and go outside to play. I go about my regular little girl routine: Imagining, doing, running full force. The motions feel heavy and unnatural because my BOOTS are heavy and unnatural.
I miss how it feels to imagine, do and run without heavy boots. (Most recent read: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) I used to wear shoes that fit, but it was time to "grow up," to "get a real job," to "make a career move." So I put on those heavy boots, and have been shuffling and trudging along, never thinking about looking for some in-between while I grow into the weight and the fatigue.
As I've worn these boots, I traveled into the purgatory of a dreamer, moving closer to the life of an ordinary. I convinced myself it's right, it's the grown up thing to do, continuously stretching further away from the childlike heart that told me to live unordinary. The heavy boots have not seemed to get any lighter. I thought it would make me better. I thought it would build my endurance. I thought I could wear the heavy boots and still play the hard, fast and furious dreamer, but my legs grow weary each day. I can only find the energy to shuffle to The Necessaries, to take care of The Have-To's before I have time to collapse on my bed, forgetting to ever take those boots off and play in the mud.
I miss my life of being unabashedly unordinary.
Instead, I find myself trapped in Water Cooler Conversations:
Me: "What are your plans this weekend?"
Them: "Nothing, I don't think!"
Me: "Sometimes no plans are the best plans!"
Oh, I'm sorry, did I just vomit a cliche all over myself? Let me go clean that off my heavy boots.
I always seem to dive back into writing with something heavy and painfully real.
Do you feel like you have boots, stilettos or any type of shoes on that are heavy? Maybe they weren't truly yours in the first place. Maybe you need to remember that, in any stage of life, it's okay to play in the mud a bit.
This thought process is to be continued in my second blog post in like five million years. Stay tuned.